Case Study of a 13 year old:
Colin's Parents had been separated for a year when his mother suggested he came to see a Relate Young People's counsellor. There had been lots of arguments and his Dad had had numerous affairs, finally resulting in his Mum asking him to leave. With the divorce proceedings underway Colin had been getting into fights at school and had become withdrawn and angry at home, choosing to spend most of his time in his room.
Colin was at first reluctant to come for counselling. He couldn't see how it could help. In our first session I explained to him what the counselling would be like. An opportunity for him to have someone to talk to and listen to how he felt and that it would be his decision whether he wanted to return for further sessions.
Colin drew his family tree for me in that first session. He told me his Mum was kind and lovely but that she cried a lot, which made him feel sad and angry with his Dad. Colin said he thought his Dad was selfish and that when he saw him he often felt angry, so he would end up keeping out of his Dad's way, either spending time in his bedroom or playing on his computer. Colin also told me he had heard his Granddad saying horrible things about his Dad and although he felt that what his Granddad had said was true he found himself wanting to defend his Dad. He was very confused over these conflicting emotions. Colin had a 10-year-old younger sister, who he felt didn't understand what had happened between his parents and was still excited and happy to see her Dad. Colin was annoyed and jealous with his sister over this.
Colin was academically bright and was concerned about his grades as he was having trouble concentrating at school. I felt Colin had been able to talk freely in our session and realised that he felt responsible in some way that his parents had separated. He told me that when they were together he had sometimes got in a mood and had caused trouble at home. He wondered because his Dad had left did this mean that he didn't care about him. We talked though his worries and fears. I suggested his parents were responsible for their relationship, not him.
Colin began to see his parents as people who had their own problems and sometimes made mistakes. He told me he didn't feel so angry anymore. He started talking to his Mum about how sad he felt when she cried. She reassured him that sometimes crying made her feel better. She had not realised how upset Colin had been seeing her in tears.
Colin began to spend more time downstairs with his family or out with his friends and he joined a football team. He was still angry with his Dad, but had begun to accept that grownups have problems and don't always know the best thing to do. He began to see his life as separate from them and that although he didn't always like what his parents did, he still loved them. When he was more open at home with both of his parents he was able to get the reassurance from them that their separation was not his fault.